Not that I need or want any of Ted Kaczynski's stuff, Cheap Gucci Shoes since I already have a pair of sunglasses and a gray hoodie that are much better than his. My hoodie is nice and clean and says Disneyland on the back with an embroidered image of Grumpy (the cantankerous Snow White dwarf). It was a gift from my thinks-he's-funny husband when we were in D-land one time watching the Fantasmic show and it got a little chilly out by the Rivers of America and I allegedly grumbled. Even now whenever I wear it, I frequently assert that "I am NOT Grumpy!" with what I consider to be necessary self-defensive emphasis, to which my husband inevitably counters, "See?"
Still, I found it compelling to poke through the items up for auction in the Unabomber store, which is actually GsaAuctions.gov, which is actually the U.S. General Services Administration website that sells off seized property and "excess and surplus assets," which is basically the federal government's garage sale.
So far, Kaczynski's signature hooded-sweatshirt/glasses combo -- confiscated as evidence from his remote Montana shack after his arrest in 1996 -- is the big-ticket package, garnering a high bid of $20,025 with 18 potential buyers and a few more days left on the auction. The handwritten copy of his manifesto is up to $17,525. But never fear, there's still some incredibly breathtaking stuff available for cheap, such as his bank statements (current
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bid of $303) or "stamps and office supplies" (running at $410).
You know, I think I'm good just going to the post office and buying cute 44-centers with purple pansies and the word "LOVE" printed on them. Maybe if Kaczynski had used those stamps he wouldn't have been such a hater.
Killer collections
Makes you wonder who wants all this "murderabilia," and who's willing to pay $20,000 to own it. As you likely know, the 69-year-old Kaczynski is serving a life sentence in a super-maximum-security prison in Colorado for setting off 16 explosions over a course of about 20 years that killed three people and injured 23 others. His infamous sweatshirt will likely end up in a glass case in some rich guy's darkened living room, spot-lit to emphasize the villainous grime, possibly positioned alongside a collection of Bernie Madoff's unscrupulous alligator loafers and one of Al Capone's scandalous cars. Yes, it's a big living room.
Kaczynski is challenging the government's right to sell his former possessions. Now while it's not as though office clerks at the National Agricultural Statistics Service or the Migratory Bird Conservation Commission are gonna use the money to buy lunchroom doughnuts (the proceeds will actually go to his victims' families), I can kind of see how he feels. I mean, if I were in jail and the feds were selling off my PEZ dispenser collection, especially my treasured Miss Piggy and Yosemite Sam PEZ, I would be miffed. Although I can't imagine what crime I could commit in which PEZ dispensers would be seized as evidence. An underground tasteless-candy counterfeiting ring, perhaps? My Boba Fett PEZ will never tell. Although Piglet might squeal.
Puttering around the GSA site, I learned some fascinating, life-changing information about the GSA itself. It's an independent agency established by President Truman in 1949 under the Federal Property and Administrative Services Act and is considered the "business side" of the government. They've been known to auction off diamonds, Lamborghinis and mansions seized from shady Wall Street types and drug lords.
Also lots of not-so-glam surplus federal assets. Things like fork lifts, file cabinets, cameras, boats, spent brass casings. They have lots of railroad ties, aircraft towbars, various motors, conveyor belts, a sewing machine, a thoracic aspirator, a couple of French horns, a horse, a high-security paper shredder, a set of Hobart meat slicers. Ooh, an "oven prosthetic laboratory." Bake up some tasty appendages.
The perfect gift?
Under "real estate" there's a lighthouse for sale. Isn't that cool? It's located near Simmons Island Park in Kenosha, Wis. You could turn the light on whenever you want and freak out passing ships. Maybe blare a siren song as a fog horn. I was a little disappointed by the NASA Shuttle/Hubble category. I thought you could maybe get a used Space Shuttle since they're not gonna need them anymore, but there's only stuff like an electronic residue box, assorted electrical wire and cable and assorted plastic materials, which you could put in the residue box. Maybe they didn't mean space shuttle, but rather parts from a shuttle bus from the NASA parking lot to the cafeteria.
Somewhat cool under the NASA category is an examination table, clearly for probing stowaway space aliens. And an "external tank transporter pallet." It's 75 feet long, 35 feet wide and 15 feet high, going for $4,025. It resembles a giant claw from a giant claw game, Louis Vuitton Shoes but upside down. It would only be good if they were also selling giant stuffed Nemos and SpongeBobs to go with it, but looks like they're fresh out. Kaczynski sure didn't have any. Maybe the feds need to bust Chuck E. Cheese.